Afghanistan Watch: What went on behind closed doors?

February 28, 2007

What went on behind closed doors?

According to Matthias Gebauer, reporting yesterday for Germany's Spiegel from Peshawar:

Once behind closed doors, though, Cheney didn't mince words. With CIA Deputy Director Steve Kappes by his side, Cheney threatened them US Congress, with its Democratic majority, could deny Pakistan its promised aid of $785 million if Musharraf didn't finally take action against the Taliban.

Who say's Mr. Cheney doesn't appreciate the Democrats once in a while?

Posted by Carl Robichaud on February 28, 2007 at 03:04 PM in Pakistan, U.S. Policy | Permalink

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This is a spoof and should be read as such (it bears no resemblance to any such incident having taken place, and if it does, it is purely coincidental!):

After Cheney’s rebuke, President Musharraf (Prez Mush) calls a meeting of present and two past ISI (Pakistan’s notorious intelligence agency).

Prez Mush : I have been sandbagged by Cheney and dealt a hammer punch. We need to do something fast to please the US and now!

Gen Hamid Gul (ex – ISI chief) : Sir, you have been doing nothing else but pleasing the Americans from the day you came in. In fact, we believe you are reason no. 1 we are in this mess today.

General Mahmoud Ahmed (ex- ISI chief): Yes Sir, I agree with Gul. You should not have thrown me out of the job at the insistence of the Americans.

Prez Mush to Mahmoud: You fool!! You had to be in Washington on the day it happened. (referring to 9/11) and then to get implicated on the wire transfer of money to the terrorists. You are such a shame for any intelligence agency – to get caught !!

Gen Mahmoud (gloating): Sir, it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. What the world does not know, it could have been 10/11 or 11/11 – it all depended on when I was going to be in Washington. They would have staged the events depending on when I was going to be in Washington. Sir, I had to see fear on the eyes of the infidel Americans.

Prez Mush: I do not need to know what I know or not need to know. You are the reason that we are in such a fine mess here. And now the Americans need Balochistan as a base to attack IRAN.

Gen Gul (laughing): Well! Well! Well! I am surprised that this did not come sooner. The Democratic senate is trying to bring a law which might prohibit USA into attacking Iran, and your buddy Bush is trying to bypass that. Obviously, you did not say YES, did you?

Prez Mush: No ! Are you mad! I am, as it is a target of the fundoos (religious fanatics, as they are better known amongst the Pakistani elite), and now the common man will come out and kill me.

Gen Gul (seriously): Sir, I think you should seek exile in US. Your son is there and I think we will be well served with your ouster – we will manage a bloodless coup with your blessings.

Prez Mush (agasht): What are you saying? Have you been plotting against me again? I got your pillow bugged and you found that out too !!!

Gen Gul: We are doing no such thing. We could have killed you many ways, but that would be detrimental to all of us. We are nuclear capable and if America is so scared shit of N Korea and IRAN, they will not dare put a finger on us. You be strong and say NO.

Prez Mush: How long can I say NO? They (meaning US) are threatening to cross over to NWFP (North West Frontier Province) and attack the Talibans holding out there.

Gen Mahmoud (sleepy, suddenly woke up): Sir, Let them come in ! We have been ready for this eventuality. We got enough missiles and more to crumble the US. We drove out the Russians, we and the Afghans defeated every British misadventure, let the US come in SIR!! Even Pakistani army could not hold sway there, what will the poor hapless US do?

Prez Mush: You will forever remain a fool Mahmoud! This time, it is serious. They have called our bluff !! We thought with nuclear missile, we could blackmail our way to money and prosperity – showing the militancy bogey as a threat – but they have relaized that Pakistani Army – its intelligence agency and Taliban are one and the same. In fact, they showed intel that the Twin Towers attack was simulated in ISI HQ.

Gen Gul: What bull shit? We never simulated that in our HQ?

Prez Mush: Who cares? Bottom line, they have now concrete proof that ISI is shielding Mullah Omar, Bin Laden and all. And this time it is serious.

Gen Gul: Tell the US that if they prod too much, many more Daniel Pearls could happen. After all scare them and tell them that if they push you too hard, the nuclear arsenal will fall in the hands of the Taliban.

Prez Mush: That is not scaring them anymore. They are saying that we are the TALIBAN!! They found out that the N.Koreans have uranium enrichment technology from us. The plutonium was an elaborate ruse created by us and it looks like the N. Koreans are going to sing in lieu of aid. We are so Screwed !!

Gen Mahmoud (again waking up from apparent slumber): Sir, we needed the missiles from the N. Koreans. Surely the Americans understand that we have to fight Indians.

Prez Mush (losing patience): I do not know what you speak sometimes! Who cares about our missile needs when I am facing this CRISIS?? Gentlemen, what should we do?

Gen Gul (seriously): Plans have been set to pre-launch the spring offensive. Hekmatyar has promised to move in earlier than planned and attack the Americans in Afghanistan from three sides. Around that time, you are going to be in the midst of a coup, and you will be allowed safe passage to the US. We will at that time, bring in Benazir Bhutto and announce democracy. She is our puppet and Americans cannot do anything to a democratic Pakistan. Taliban will return to Afghanistan, and we can once again enjoy ourselves and be so called “ruled” under a democratic setup. About IRAN, let them be attacked – they are Shias and not to be trusted. After all, they sided with the Indians and Russians and brought Northern Alliance to rule Afghanistan. Let them pay the price and we certainly do not want another Islamic country to have the bomb! This concludes the meeting.

Prez Mush: Hey, I convened the meeting ….where are you all going??
By this time all have walked out and Prez Musharraf stands and watches ……..His present ISI chief, was deep in slumber, having not spoken a word in the meeting.

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